Jun 7, 2012

Womp

Bleh, I'm having a sort of off week and feel all sorts of disconnected with my work. Meanwhile I am gaping at some amazing portfolios out there and wondering why my work doesn't look like that or why I don't feel particularly proud of anything recently. (I know, I know - it's an unhealthy activity to view others' work as anything but inspiration.) I hit another down moment when I was browsing the amazing collection of plates and linens at ABC Carpet & Home - I had gone there hoping to pick up some new props but after a few rounds of wandering about the store, I realized having a $70 plate and a $30 napkin is not going to make me a better photographer. (Although, wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?)

I learned this week that I need to be much more flexible when shooting on location, particularly in darker cafes/restaurants. I let myself get unnecessarily stressed about a few shoots this week that were meant to be fun for me, and that's no good. Forgive me for getting rather wordy here but I'm feeling rambly and want to throw my thoughts out there. I quit my day job almost exactly a year ago (time FLIES), and this shit hasn't been easy, despite what I may portray on the blog. Much sweat and tears were shed, and much insecurity and self-doubt were felt. Of course, in between those moments of dejection, I experienced some wonderful things as well and met many wonderful people. I have no idea what the next year brings or where I'll be in the next few years, but I wonder if the self-doubt ever disappears. I'm still excited and hopeful for what the future brings but a small part of me remains terrified. Alas...


This photo was taken outside a small florist in Paris. I swear, the peonies there were bigger and lasted longer. The idea of making Paris an annual trip is something we've been thinking about...

38 comments :

  1. Hi Alice! I just want you to know that I love your photos - I started following your blog a few months ago and I really enjoy it. I'm going to write a little post about those tilt-shift photos sometime soon, because I luuuurve them. You are wonderful at what you do! I just unofficially started my own photography business with the hopes of eventually quitting my day job as well, and I'm looking for all the inspiration I can get. So thanks for contributing to that inspiration, and keep up the great work!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are an artist Alice, and as an artist, you will always be growing and will always be questioning yourself. When you have so much love for what you do, it makes it that much harder to face the struggles within it. I've been an artist my entire life and I completely understand everything you are going through. It is something I struggle with almost daily. I know you have the talent and I know you have the drive to make a successful career for yourself. Remember to be proud of yourself because, trust me lady, you have a lot to be proud of!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What Jade said, x2. Just last week I said to myself in the mirror, "Who the hell am I kidding? I can't do this." But then I tell myself to suck it up, get over, have a cup of tea, and then it passes. We all get in funks, but you are talented and passionate and if you just keep going then good things WILL happen.

    We're all in your court!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Spoiler Alert: The self-doubt never goes away, and good thing, because without it you'd stop thinking critically and getting out of your comfort zone, meaning you'd stop improving.

    I think over time you just learn to know yourself (and your craft) better. At least once a week during a project (on average) I melt down, think I completely suck, and almost scrap everything... then I move on. Such is the brain of a creative.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hang in there, buddy. You've come a long way in your bohemian year!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Chris and I absolutely fell in love with Paris, which I really wasn't expecting, but the non-touristy neighborhoods were so delightful to wander! I have a friend who lives there that we visited with so we're thinking of making Paris a "thing" for us, too. It's the perfect getaway city! Even if a week there costs a small fortune. ;)

    As for the self-doubt, I'm not sure if it ever really goes away but I can say that with time (and mental coaching!) the inner voice will transform from doubt to dialogue, if that makes sense. Basically, stop beating yourself up! Once I did that, I was able to focus on the issues with my photography that really needed work -- issues that actually existed! -- instead of wasting time wondering "Am I cut out for this, really?" and thinking about how much better XYZ's photography is better than mine. Obviously those thoughts get us nowhere, but sometimes we just can't help it.

    You are really tremendously good at what you do, Alice! And whoever your idols are, just think-- they started somewhere, too. It's easy to assume the worst about your work when you only see the best of others', but you really shouldn't do that to yourself! You are good enough, you just have to keep going. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. i vote yes on the annual paris trip - as long as you take me with you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've had a rough day and this picture made me breathe a smile of relief. Beautiful :)
    Eat Cake

    ReplyDelete
  9. ah, alice -- sorry to hear you've been having an off week! if it helps at all, I'm pretty sure it happens to everyone, and it's just part of life. without the bad, the good wouldn't be as good, right?

    and remember... there are lots of people out there (me included) who are constantly amazed by your work. x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Alice! I've been a lurker here, but I just wanted to add to everyone's sentiments: your work is lovely and so inspiring. Thank you for sharing your anxiety and worries - I don't think the self-doubt ever goes away, but it also drives us to always be better at what we're doing.

    Your voice in your photographs, on this blog, and in interviews I've read/seen is always so humble, real, and kind. It's really encouraged me as an amateur to pursue blogging and photography in whatever ways I can. Thank you for sharing your work.

    ReplyDelete
  11. hello alice, i am a still reader untill today, i really love your pictures the way you capture 'coffee atmosphere' stay tune with yourself and don't worry..thank you for all!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Alice,
    I've been following your blog for a while now. Okay, maybe not a while, but I consider it a while because one boring, rainy day, I'm certain I spent about 3 hours scrolling through your blog, in awe of the photos you take. Just wanted you to know that every time you post more pictures, I think to myself, "one day I'll be able to shoot like that." Keep your head up, you're an amazing artist!
    Have a good weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Alice,

    No need to tell you I LOVE your work. You know that. You are so talented. I think we all have days like yours when we doubt ourselves and think we are not good enough. The problem is that there are quite a few photographers in the world :-) And when you are passionate about something you always want to do your best and at some point be the best, but the truth which we all have to simply accept is that there will always be someone better than ourselves when it comes to photography, but that does not mean that you are not an amazing and super talented photographer. You are, and I think you should only compare yourself to... yourself. On bad days have a look at the pics you took some years ago. I bet you have come a long way since then. The important thing is to keep learning and improving and doing your best. And if someone is actually paying you money for what you do, then you are probably doing something right :-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just another voice to confirm that your work has been an inspiration to me. The simplicity and beauty in them is breath-taking. I am on my own photography adventure and I hope I have photos as beautiful as yours one day. Keep it up because an eye like yours is needed in this world!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not sure if anybody will ever get rid of self doubt, but if that happened would it really be a good thing? Doubting yourself and your choices is normal and reasonable, the unreasonable thing is letting doubt get in the way to achieve what you want. I am sure many people out there know and think you are a brilliant, very talented photographer, and most importantly you know it too.I am sure you'll do many more amazing things with your camera and I hope this thought will help you get going through days like this.

    ReplyDelete
  16. your work is gorgeous & I hope you're able to find a more happy place with it soon :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi Grams,

    I am sadden to read that you have felt less than perfect this week. In case you don't know, I think about how successful you are everyday of MY life. And I am SO proud of how you have made a name for yourself. I would not have the guts to give up stability for my passion. You can tell that your work is admired by many through these abundant comments. We'll chat more next week during our lunch date if you want, but I am sure this feeling of self-doubt will pass.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I found your blog through Siebe ages ago, and bookmarked it, and whenever I feel like taking a break from work I always come by to see what you've been up to. I love your posts, whatever they include and after reading this post I just wanted to say that, instead of just sitting on the sidelines again. :) It's definitely not easy going out and doing your own thing - but you're doing it beautifully and we all have those "ugh why isn't my photography as good as_____" moments, even though we know we're not supposed to compare etc! :D

    Feel better and definitely go to Paris again, I loved seeing your photos from it!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I've been feeling a little uninspired lately too. Not sure why. You're work is gorgeous though! You should be really proud of what you've accomplished. I often look at your photos and think, I wish I could snap those! lol... so I guess it's a feeling that happens to all of us at some point. Just keep on going! :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Alice! I totally understand your feeling when it comes to flexibility/less stress in darker cafes and restaurants, but don't be so hard on yourself! you work is truely an inspiration and work of art to me (and im sure many others!)

    ReplyDelete
  21. <3 I feel this way sometimes, too. More often than I'd care to admit.
    I think your portfolio is absolutely breathtaking.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Secretly, I love knowing that you get those days too!

    I've recently quit my day job too to pursue photography and I have felt what you described every single day for the last month! But it's when I see your photographs and read your blog that I feel (ok, obvious envy!) but true inspiration. I just remind myself that everyone starts somewhere and it's only in time that if we invest the time into our passions that it/we will get better.

    You're a fantastic photographer, Alice. Just keep going... :)

    Karyn

    ReplyDelete
  23. not alone friend. let this be a healthy encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I wish I could give you a big hug in person and take you out for coffee. Self-doubt is a hard thing and I think for people in creative industries it never goes away.

    Thank you for sharing your fears and worries with us here. I'm just an amateur photographer, but I think it makes us all stronger if we share these feelings and help each other through. So here's a big hug and a hope that tomorrow will shine a different light on things. I, and many of the people here, think your work is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I absolutely adore your work. you're absolutely not alone... I feel every word you wrote, and feel it on a regular basis. you can do this!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. your work is beautiful from a wedding photo to a cafe to your iphone snaps. i'd love an alice gao book featuring just about anything.

    try not to let the business-side of your work take the fun out of it, or wear you down so you're feeling not so great about what you do.

    ReplyDelete
  27. i'd just like to add that in my opinion, what makes your photos so special is that rare combination of a true designer's eye (or rather - an art director's eye), and the brilliant photography. and this is what gives your blog that priceless edge, and this is why it's a steady favorite in my reading list.

    and you can't say that about most photographers, even the really famous ones!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Lovely Alice,

    I adore your work. If I could take one picture just a fraction as good as yours, I would be thrilled because you have a vision which is unique and wonderful.

    And I always say those bad weeks are worth it just to appreciate the crazy good weeks all the more.

    Looking forward to your next instalment.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  29. Worst thing you can do as an artist is wish your work was like someone else's. Everybody is different and everybody sees art differently. There will be some similarities, but always differing subtleties. Don't change your style because you love other people's photography. Just have it motivate you to do what you love doing more. Because on the flip-side, they could be thinking the same thing when they see your work.

    ReplyDelete
  30. We all feel like this from time to time. At least I know I do! And you know what - I wish I was as good photographer as you are. I love your work!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm not just saying this but you are probably my number one inspiration relative to photography. So, thanks for that. Chin up!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm a bit late but I just wanted to say I love your work and you can put a positive spin to doubt (although whist doubting it can be hard to do) because from doubt comes looking closely at your work from which comes growth because you can always get better and that's kinda awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I love your honesty! You're definitely not alone--it comes and goes that's for sure. I adore and am fascinated/inspired by your work just like the other millions out there. :) Keep up the amazing work, Alice!
    J.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I can so relate to what you're feeling. It takes an act of faith to quit a job. The ups and downs of a self employed person. The feelings of inadequacy when I compare my work. The constant affirmations to motivate myself to up the game. I guess the road to success is never an easy path. That said, I've always been drawn to your work. Your photos are breathtaking and make me see things from a different perspective.

    ReplyDelete
  35. oh my friend, i'm so sorry you are going through that phase. it's funny because today i wrote about something rather similar, but related to our needs of buying extremely expensive equipment and affording that same equipment while you're building up your career and in the beginning, your portfolio. and then we look at other's portfolios and think what you thought a thousand times and i also get that thought on my mind over and over again "oh this looks good, and yes this was shot with that lens that costs over $1800... i can't do this!" sometimes it gets so frustrating, but then i think it really helps when we let our thoughts come out, because sometimes i think we need our inner voice to reflect on others and become our outer voice. and of course, as all the others, i absolutely love your work and i'm one of those inspired by you. keep up the excellent work, because you're so extremely talented. and yes, i also believe that our self-doubt will never go away, it's a part of being an artist, and a way to become even better at what we do, it just tires us sometimes. hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I have felt this way so often it's ridiculous. I get walked all over by friends or locals asking for my services. They either pay me too little or not at all. I just did a friend's wedding for FREE. Because I'm crazy. And I don't know how to say no. But what stinks the most is when people are impatient and rude and don't understand that it takes TIME to edit and get everything perfect. And no, you can't have every single shot I take. That photo with everyone's eyes closed is not going to be missed. It's just. Sometimes I want to scream. It's not the hardest thing to figure out. That if I take 300 photos you'll be lucky if you get 50 good ones out of it. And even THAT's a lot. And that it will take at least two weeks for me to get through them all with everything else going on in my life. But you, my dear. YOU are an excellent photographer. I have much to learn, seriously. I admire you so much. I don't always have time to comment, but I still catch up on your blog when I can and I am always in awe over everything you do and all that you've accomplished. Also, I'm very jealous you went to Paris. My family is French and my grandparents' first language was French and they got to go and I'm just dyyyying to go one day.

    Okay, enough rambling. I basically just wanted to let you know you're seriously not the only one to feel these things. I can't quit my day job yet because I'm not good enough. But perhaps one day. And I'll probably still feel this way every now and then. Because hey, photography is an art, and sometimes it includes insecurities and self doubt. That's just the way it is, unfortunately.

    ReplyDelete
  37. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I feel always so strange when talented people are insecure! I tell myself "how can this incredible photograph don't feel that her work is great??"
    I'm freelance myself, as an architect. Two years of ups and downs. Two years of am i doing right? How people can trust me? Can I live with this stress all my life? Am i strong enough to do this job? All this questioning and doubt even if i'll having a lot of work and ex client recommended me. I don't have to look for contract, it comes! But self-doubt is SO strong. Will it ever disappear? I have no answer.
    I understand you're feeling and wish you'll find confidence in you and your job.

    ReplyDelete